this compelling nature
a sea of diversion and hesitation
there’s no telling
i am wading-
no escape from the malevolence i save
in my heart for you
no escaping this
gentle mist that cloaks you
a hidden surprise
for beyond the skies tell tomorrow
and glorious shall we be
For quite some time I was led to believe that we have only one, single self. That there is one personal identity for each and every one of us. If I am a calm and shy person then that is who I am, that is who I am deep down to the core. But I was wrong. There is no core within us that tells us who we are. There is no pre-designed “Me” that I am searching for. I am, instead, creating myself day by day. Utilizing the memories and experiences from my past, I am creating my personal identity.
In the past, I had thought I knew who I was and I had a strong belief that I would remain that same person throughout my life. Boy, was I wrong. I had failed to notice that I wasn’t going to remain the same person I was in high school once I entered adulthood, failed to realize that it was impossible. Impossible to remain the same person whilst experiencing new things every day.
I have been many selves. I have many selves.
Who I am doesn’t rest in my “core” but, instead it rests with my memories and experiences. So before you tell me how much I’ve changed or that I’m not acting like myself, don’t forget that you don’t know what I’ve gone through.
you are alive and mostly well,
but over the past year,
i’ve written you countless eulogies.
and every time i’ve mourned,
i’ve made my eyes rivers of red.
you might think me a terrible person for this,
but i know the truth about humans, see.
in every intricately cruel thought i’ve had,
i know there is another because
i’ve never made the mistake of thinking
myself as an isolated, original being.
your first emergency room visit 2 years ago
left me in a frenzy.
your kind face, your kind hands, your kind heart.
none of it was recognizable as every contorted feature
rested in pain.
your second emergency room visit last week
had me in a calm state.
the nurse came in and walked away
with an endless supply of your blood.
your face still struck with the same pain it had endured once before,
your ridiculous, stupid self told her,
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Perspective is everything.
Without it, we wouldn’t think or feel the same way.
Perspective is key and with it we can break away from the murky thoughts that cling together
The hollow souls that last forever
To be heard is impossible. To be or not to be this doesn’t matter.
Smile and wave but don’t make sound.
But like a hound you will be found. Hiding beneath the mask from the soldiers with the task.
We will never see things on the same level.
I’m begging for peace but you think I’m the devil.
Say what you want, feel what you will.