Wild Wonder

I have jittery hands and a nervous laugh- one in the same

Loose emotions on the floor- to mop up and ring out- repeat

Mi amor, im out the door

Your besos sweet like honey- but never sticky

Skyscrapers of the jungle city- reaching for the moon- i hear the trees whisper love stories in the night

Cool grass between my toes- breezy kisses on my skin- the winking dew drops on the leaves

Tracing every curve and surface of your delicate pedals- smooth and cooling under my skin

Upon your request- my taste buds are exploding- to drink sweet nectar

To fulfill the natural blossoming desire, flowered by my intuition, an inclination

To bring sensation

Velma

 

velma

your pretty little hands on my soul

dip your hands and touch the skies

pulsing your fingers into the stars

i was hiding through the mania

behind my forced smiles and empty hellos

remind me of what i was

who i was – no more

no longer the girl from yesterday- a memory of a thought

that lives beyond the boundaries of time and space

i have lived an eternity-

escaping the vision of the hand in the morgue

the disaster of my crisis – the death of she

the evolution of my essence- the bearing of all the lives

i have lived

paving the paths to the gardens of my soul

in spring i come home

Awake

One of the toughest things in life, I think, is starting. Starting something new, leaving behind past relationships, jobs, and beliefs. Leaving behind familiar, and comfortable habits are crucial when it comes to allowing yourself to grow and become the best version of yourself. For years I saw my friends and family members around me living orthodox life styles, following the rules of society, never questioning this life or anything else that happens to them. They all share an unquestionable subjectivity to the world they inhabit.. One of the easiest things in life is to consistently follow is a pattern. This is true because, starting something requires a large deal of energy, thought, and action. In contrast, following a pattern does not require the exhaustion of much energy. Have you ever been in a situation where you have a research assignment, lets say, and have no idea where to start, or what topic you’d like to research. You might sit at the screen for hours googling things to talk about, or flick through your notes. But once you decide on your topic and you’re committed to it, and passionate about it you’re unstoppable, like a snowball rolling down a hill with no signs of slowing and increasing in size.

Growing up I always knew that I was different. I saw the world differently than those around me. I felt life differently. I never knew where exactly I “fit” amongst my peers or even my family. I bounced from one group of friends to the next, never really finding a space that was welcoming. Most times I would feel loads of pressure to have a lot of friends. I experienced anxiety from hanging out with all these “friends” that weren’t really my friends. On top of that, I was the weird girl who wasn’t interested in the gossip or being popular, or going shopping and having the cutest shoes. I spent my time observing the world that I, unknowingly, was creating for myself.

In this world I was afraid of being different-looking different, sounding, smelling, seeing, hearing, trying different.. I wanted to be accepted for who I was, but I wasn’t ready to take such risks. I didn’t allow myself to make my own decisions. I know what you might be thinking, “but it’s your life, you can choose to do and be whatever you want. Who cares what other people think! Being weird and unique is totally awesome!” I wish someone had told me that growing up- it could have saved me countless episodes of bipolar-like mood swings, depression, and talking down on myself.

Fortunately, I am now awakening from a 21 year slumber of darkness. I am awakening to a universe full of beauty and unlimited possibilities. Transitioning from my old life style to becoming the greatest version of myself is going to be a wild adventure. I have also chosen to use my blog as a platform to help me along this journey. I am excited to become connected others that are on the same vibrational frequency as I am.

Looking Lense 

For quite some time I was led to believe that we have only one, single self. That there is one personal identity for each and every one of us. If I am a calm and shy person then that is who I am, that is who I am deep down to the core. But I was wrong. There is no core within us that tells us who we are. There is no pre-designed “Me” that I am searching for. I am, instead, creating myself day by day. Utilizing the memories and experiences from my past, I am creating my personal identity.

In the past, I had thought I knew who I was and I had a strong belief that I would remain that same person throughout my life. Boy, was I wrong. I had failed to notice that I wasn’t going to remain the same person I was in high school once I entered adulthood, failed to realize that it was impossible. Impossible to remain the same person whilst experiencing new things every day.

I have been many selves. I have many selves.

Who I am doesn’t rest in my “core” but, instead it rests with my memories and experiences. So before you tell me how much I’ve changed or that I’m not acting like myself, don’t forget that you don’t know what I’ve gone through.

Dear…

Who ever gave you the power

to tell me that I am not capable,

because I am a woman I cannot be successful

and still be beautiful?

What ever gave you the impression that I needed

you to tell me that I am beautiful in order for me to believe it?

Why must you go to all these extremes

to tell me who I can and can’t be?

Where does it say that I need to look

just like every other woman out there?

When has it ever been wrong for someone to be

different

To see the world in a different angle.

To love something that is a little different

To have a face that doesn’t resemble another

To not cover up every single one of my flaws.

I am not them. I am not you. I am not her.

Nor will I ever be.

Fighting myself to believe that I have been right all along.

Y’all don’t know.

Although, you’ve always been wrong, I thank you.

For exposing me to the truth.

I know now where I stand.